So, uh... I think I might've jumped the gun with my previous announcement. However, I might've also figured out why I keep jumping the gun like this, and can thus extrapolate a solution to it. If you're interested in an introspective deep-dive into a lesson in psycho-cybernetics (the science of "soul-steering", taking control of your unconscious processes by correcting your self-image), as well as some pontificating on the nature of inner joy, read on. Perhaps you could learn a thing or two from my mistakes.
Owning Up to a Mistake...
In my previous two posts, I made a rather enthusiastic announcement declaring I was now working on a very large, very ambitious video game project (or the tech demo of one, anyway). At the time, I had gotten frustrated with myself for taking so damn long trying to make a simple decision to work on something productive, so much so that I just took something I knew I had fun working on and then made the overzealous decision to make that my primary project...
...Now that my senses are coming back to me, I'm realizing this was a mistake...
Despite actually enjoying the process of making a game with a fun cartoon aesthetic, I find that, once I've made that project the project, this unexplainable yet deeply familiar sense of dread started to creep up on me, souring the otherwise enjoyable experience of making a game.
Why might that be, though?
If you've somehow followed me since my deviantART days from ancient times, you'll no doubt notice a particular pattern when it comes to my creative work - I'll get excited about some idea I've come up with, make a big announcement that I'm working on it, then silence for a long time (maybe have a little to show for here or there), then I renege on that announcement... then I get excited about some other idea, make announcement, and the cycle continues...
In short, I tend to be very flaky when it comes to decision-making, to my own detriment. I can tell you I've been this way since the beginning, and I'll likely be this way (to some extent), from here on out. I've been aware of this bipolar tendency for well over a decade now and have made great strides in diminishing it to the best of my ability, but try as I might, the flake-out cycle continues...
So, I must confess... I think announcing the big video game project as my one and only priority while sweeping all my other projects under the rug was, indeed, a mistake. I was desperate to have something creative to do (that I actually seemed to enjoy), and that project at the moment seemed like the one I was having the most fun with, so I got overzealous and decided to put everything else off to focus on that.
It's not that I don't want to work on it, though. It is indeed fun to work on, and it would be nice to see it come to fruition... but there's a lot other stuff that needs doing first before I can even begin to consider such a lofty project at such a high priority. I find it simply doesn't align with my overarching goal of building up this cartoon media studio enterprise, and is just a little out of my believability range.
I'll explain more about my updated objectives later on in this post.
Why Am I Like This?
I'd like to take this opportunity to be as open and honest as I can muster about this predicament of mine, because it not only effects me but you as well. I feel like I owe you an explanation (not an excuse, mind you) as to why I keep disappointing you, so here goes.
An Explanation
Here's what goes on in my head during this whole decision-making process:
An idea formulates in my Imagination for a creative project (a comic, animation, video game, illustration, short story, novel, what have you) that, for whatever reason, gets me excited.
I make the decision to bring this creative project idea to fruition, and often announce I'm doing so on whatever public platform I'm using at the time (be that deviantART way back when or this website nowadays).
I spend a lot of time preparing to work on the creative project idea, taking it from a vague inkling to a much more specific concept with which to use as a blueprint for the actualization of said project.
Sometime during this phase, the inevitable doubt starts creeping in, which negates or derails any excitement I may have had for the project.
The particular way this doubt manifests itself depends on the nature of the creative project, but usually it boils down to either:
"Is this really worth it?" if the project is less believable than it is desirable, or...
"Is this what I really want to do?" if the project is less desirable than it is believable
Whatever enjoyment, excitement, or zeal I may have had for the project is quickly drained to the point where it becomes more of a chore to work on, any and all fun is out the window by this point, and the project becomes a slog.
I end up abandoning the project (or just putting it on the back-burner for the time being), reneging on any public announcements, and feel worse for having to do so (as I really hate disappointing people). This leaves me in a state of malaise, just wondering "well what do I do now?"... until another idea tickles my fancy, and the cycle continues...
As you can see, no matter what I choose to do and no matter how exciting it may seem to be, I inevitably am inundated with some form of doubt. What's weird, though, is that usually when people experience doubt, it's asking the question "can I do this?", but I find that, for me, it's almost always a form of "should I do this?". Recently, it's gotten even more meta and has morphed into "will I do this?".
This begs the question, though... What is the nature of this doubt? Where does it come from? Why does it always happen? For the longest time, I've had no clue what that could be, but now....
I think I've finally figured it out.
Finding a Solution in Psycho-cybernetics
Just what the hell is psycho-cybernetics and what on God's green Earth does it have to do with this topic? Well, let me explain.
Psycho-cybernetics is the science of getting our natural goal-striving "servo-mechanism" (our unconscious mind and the processes under its control) working in tandem with our goal-setting self image, to put it succinctly. It was first discussed in the book by Dr. Maxwell Maltz called, well, Psycho-cybernetics. Dr. Maltz was originally a plastic surgeon who later went on to study psychology because of a particular dilemma he kept coming across with some of his patients.
He found that not everyone was "cured" when he corrected a deformation or disfigurement. Some patients still felt just as ugly or unattractive after the operation as they did before, despite having their blights and blemishes corrected. This baffled Dr. Maltz, and he eventually looked to psychology as to why this was happening.
He discovered his answer in the concept of the Self Image.
Self Image is, I would imagine, a self-evident concept. It's the image of one's self one has of oneself. It's the way you see yourself, whether consciously or unconsciously, and it has everything to do with what we organically tend to strive toward.
For example, someone with a self-image of being poor isn't going to strive for wealth, nor would they realize what wealth they already possess, because they've made up their mind (whether they realize it or not) that they're poor. The whole point of psycho-cybernetics is that we are able to change that self-image to one that's in alignment with what we really want out of life.
In some of Dr. Maltz's patients, they had built an identity around their deformation or disfigurement, a self image that claimed "I am ugly", thus that was all they could see themselves as, even after undergoing corrective plastic surgery. There were others too that would come to him wanting their "ugliness" corrected, but had no evident blemishes whatsoever, yet they still had this faulty self-perception.
This blows the whole "seeing is believing" axiom out of the water. If anything, it's the other way around.
Dr. Maltz found that, once he corrected the self image, he corrected the problem these people were having. This solution he found he developed into the science of psycho-cybernetics.
Dealing with Multiple Self Images
As I applied my understanding of psycho-cybernetics to myself, I found that I had quite a few of these self images, actually. I first identified five of them, and recently an extra two.
The first five I call The Teacher, The Clown, The Artist, The Storyteller, and the Marketeer. Meaning, there's part of me that wants to impart Knowledge, part of me that wants to impart Joy, part of me that wants to create Beauty, part of me that wants to tell Stories, and part of me that wants to create Wealth.
These self images seem to correspond with the Jungian concept of the Archetypes, the recurring patterns of characteristics and behaviors that spring from the Collective Unconscious that often manifest themselves as certain roles in society and in our own daily lives.
I found that one reason why it has been so difficult to make creative decisions is because not everything falls under the purview of all five of these Self Images.
For example, if I were to decide on creating a web-comic, that would make the Artist and Storyteller happy by default, the Clown would be happy if it were fun and silly, and the Teacher would be happy if it conveyed some moral lesson or made you think. However, the Marketeer wouldn't be happy because web-comics isn't exactly the most profitable endeavor out there, and thus it would take a hell of a lot of convincing to get the Marketeer on board. Since one of these self images is not properly expressed, that means that decision to make web-comics becomes less appealing. I would either have to find something else that would make all of my self images happy, or convince the contentious ones (the Marketeer in this case) that it is in fact in their best interest.
Knowing this about myself has actually helped tremendously in regards to decision-making... but something was always still off. I noticed that there's still some aspect of myself that is never pleased when I make a decision (such as jumping headlong into a huge video game project, for instance).
Recently, as of only a few weeks ago or so, I made the connection that there are two more self images, ones that supersede the aforementioned five in some ways. I call them the Idealist and the Realist.
The Idealist looks to the Future to bask in potentiality, builds up best case scenarios to strive for, regardless of what seems "reasonable". It's the "Dream-Setter", if you will. It tends to focus on what could be to the detriment of what is.
The Realist holds firm in the Present moment and aims to understand the Past to find patterns to ascertain what is and is not feasible. It tends to focus on what is to the detriment of what could be.
You can actually tell which one of these sides of myself is most dominant at any given time based on how I write these blog posts. They almost have their own distinct "voices". Go back and read some of my other blog posts and see if you can't tell where one was written by the Idealist and another by the Realist. I bet you can spot the differences (I'll give you an example: the video game project announcement post was written almost entirely by the Idealist).
Naturally, if you're going to make something of yourself, you need both an Idealist (to define what you really want and build up a target Dream or Goal to strive for) and a Realist (to keep you grounded in reality such that you don't do anything crazy or stupid... like running headlong into a huge video game project like I'm some one-man game dev department or something). However, sometimes these two sides can be at odds with one another, and that's what I've been experiencing this whole time.
Remember I mentioned earlier that the creeping post-decision doubt would essentially be either one question or the other? That's just the opposite self image keeping the other in check! If the decision was made by the Realist, the Idealist would ask the "Is this really what you want to do?" question, and if the decision was made by the Idealist, the Realist would ask the "Is this really worth it?" question.
The Solution
So, with all that said, here's my current solution to this issue.
Not only will I continue to use the five self images to make sure a decision meets all five of their criteria (namely, does it impart knowledge, impart joy, create beauty, tell a story, and create wealth/value), but I'm also going to incorporate the Idealist and the Realist into the mix as well, but in different ways.
I'll structure my productivity into two categories: Short-Term Projects (to appease the Realist) and Long-Term Projects (to appease the Idealist). That way, both are satisfied provided I allot time and effort to each.
Short-Term Projects will be number 1 priority, as I do need to build up some creative content for this website, even if they are just little comics here or animated shorts there. I've wasted far too much time as it is, and now's the time to really start cranking stuff out.
Long-Term Projects will be bottom priority, and will primarily serve to give the Idealist something to chew on (as it doesn't seem to be bothered with the timeliness of anything) so it doesn't feel left out while I'm working on a short-term project.
It's funny, but despite their seemingly contradictory natures, the Idealist and Realist actually complement each other a lot better than I originally thought.
The Idealist, not worried about deadlines, is satisfied with endlessly working on whatever simply because it's fun and engaging, unlike the Realist which requires things actually come to pass, but itself isn't concerned with the nature of a given project (provided it checks all five criteria) so long as it can be done in a reasonable amount of time. This allows me to technically be working on two projects at once while really actually be working on one at a time.
The Realist tends to take its sweet time deciding on what to do, while the Idealist knows what it wants to do at all times, so, like previously stated, this gives me something to do at any given time, even during the downtime of the Realist's decision-making.
Rediscovering the Joys from Within
A while back, I wrote up a blog post entitled "Rediscovering the Joys of Creating", where I admitted I just wasn't having as much fun making stuff as I used to, tried to explain why that might be, and decided to go on a bit of a creative break specifically to do just that - to find that joy I used to experience creating things once more.
Ultimately, though, I think I missed the point.
I'm sure you're aware of the old adage "Happiness comes from within", right? All religions and spiritual practices teach this, and it's absolutely true. Nothing external will make you happy or bring you joy... not even a labor of love.
This is the point I missed back in the middle of 2022. This is why my sabbatical didn't really yield satisfactory results. I wasn't very happy, or not nearly as happy as I used to be, so I thought "If I just find the right creative project, the right labor of love, then I'll be happy." Even though that's something more abstract than, say, a new car or nice house or loads of money (what most people think of as things "making" them happy), I've recently realized that a labor of love is still an external thing that will not simply by its nature "make" me happy.
This is actually a very, very freeing concept. This whole time, right up until a couple weeks ago, I've been seeking the "right" creative project that will "make" me happy to work on it (a major contributing factor to my bipolar flakiness, mind you). Now, I realize that no creative project, no labor of love, is going to "make" me any happier than what happiness and joy I already have within me that I bring to said labor.
In short, creating doesn't "make" me happy... I and I alone make me happy!
Now, maybe this all just sounds like some feel-good New Age gobbledygook, but I hope this resonates with some of you at least. Take it from a 33 year old man who's been frantically searching for these external creative projects to make him happy, all to no avail.
Obviously, I've still got a lot to learn in this regard, but at least now I know with absolute certainty that Happiness and Joy do in fact spring from an inner state. If anything external seems to "make" you happy, it's only because you allowed it to.
So... What's your plans now?
Despite the similarities of this post with that other one I wrote up a while back, I don't intend on going on another sabbatical. There's no point. That sabbatical's purpose was to erroneously search for the thing that would "make" me happy. I know now that happiness comes from within.
What I do intend to do is to focus on the building up of this little one-man cartoon media studio! Which means I can't be working on one singular, monolithic project...
As far as "The Voyage of Kiki Banana" is concerned, I'm no longer making it a priority by any means... but I'm not going to abandon it or set it aside, either. I'll find some use for it, and I will work on it some, but at my leisure. It'll serve to give me something to fall back on as a default project in between deciding on smaller projects to prioritize. It's there to keep my inner Idealist occupied while the inner Realist works towards other, more reasonable, things.
In fact, I'm thinking of creating some showcase called "Dream Projects" for some of my much, much larger and ambitious project ideas that, while I don't have any plans to seriously pursue anytime soon, I would still like to share in some form or another (because I absolutely loathe having to keep them to myself, I want to share them so badly!). How to do this in an entertaining way that doesn't just end up blue-balling my Audience, though, I haven't figured out yet, so stay tuned on that one.
As far as smaller projects go, I'm going back to working on some comics for the time being, starting with "Kiki Banana: Treasure Huntress". However, I've come up with a new format for it. Whereas before it was going to be a series of 30+ page-long episodes, now it's going to be structured a lot more like an animated television cartoon, with two 16+ page episodes per issue, with a lot of fun little extras in between (like in-world ads, character interviews, small side stories, etc.). I think this suits the cartoony nature of this particular story much better than the previous format.
This new format is one I'm likely going to employ for all of my other episodic cartoony comics series in the future. And actually, it's not really new at all, just "rediscovered". I came up with this format way back in 2015 or so when I was going to reboot my ancient "Sir Dufius" comic (part of which you can read on this page). I just completely forgot about it up until recently.
I may even start something of a Comics Anthology Project, where I come up with a slew of short comics stories to serve as a means of mass-pitching to you the Audience certain stories that could become larger projects or series with enough positive feedback (think Cartoon Network's "What-A-Cartoon Show", but with comics... that are all done by one guy).
Hopefully, now that I know that it's not the project that makes me happy but that I allow myself to be happy, I likely won't be quite so flaky with my announcements of things from here on out, as I won't feel the need to jump from thing to thing to thing thinking in vain that the thing will make me happy or bring me joy. Hopefully that lesson sinks deep into my subconscious mind and firmly anchors itself there so that it sticks.
So that's all I've got for now. I do apologize to anyone looking forward to the big video game project, it was a mistake to make such an announcement knowing good and well I shouldn't have written a check my ass couldn't keep, so to speak. I hope I've made it up to you by admitting I was wrong and showing you how I've learned from said mistake such that it doesn't happen again.
And hopefully you've gleaned something from all this as well. As they say, "a Fool learns from his own mistakes, but a Wise Man learns from the mistakes of others."
Anyway, that does it for today. As always,
Peace Be and Take Care!
